


Gonna Have to Face it You're Addicted to...

by LotusFlair



Series: Magnus Season 5 Codas [7]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Addiction, Coda, Idiots in Love, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Paranoia, Post Episode 172 - Strung Out, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:27:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24810799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LotusFlair/pseuds/LotusFlair
Summary: In which Jon and Martin discuss their thoughts and feelings about thoughts and feelings. What does it mean to trust someone in a world of fear? What does it mean to trust yourself?Set after MAG 172 - Strung Out
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Series: Magnus Season 5 Codas [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1763854
Comments: 4
Kudos: 55





	Gonna Have to Face it You're Addicted to...

They were a good half mile away from the theater and Martin was certain he could still hear laughter and applause coming from the myriad stages. For the first time since they'd ventured out of their cabin, Martin was leading the way forward. Jon still managed to stay by his side, but it was obvious that Martin was the driving force. Every domain they'd encountered left him feeling unnerved or disgusted, but this was the first time Martin could recall feeling unbalanced. He'd always been certain of his thoughts and emotions. Of all the staff in the archives, Martin knew he was top of the list of those who could at least acknowledge their feelings. Working through them or reconciling them was another story, but he'd always known why he felt the way he did about something or someone. Now though...now there was an inkling of uncertainty trickling through his mind and he needed to get as far away from it as possible.

"Can I tell you something?" Jon asked, jolting him out of his thoughts.

"Of course."

"I'd - I'd quit smoking before I joined the institute," Jon said. "One of those new career, new Jon phases."

"Really?"

"I thought if I was going to be an academic, then I shouldn't drag my bad habits in with me," Jon said. "A new start. A chance to be a better version of myself."

That brought their hurried walk to a full stop. This wasn't the type of conversation you had mid sprint.

Martin could already see where this was going. "Jon..."

"I promise this is going somewhere," Jon said as if anticipating Martin's well founded concerns. Martin sighed, nodding for him to continue. "I started smoking again not long after Elias made me Head Archivist. I - I thought it was just nerves - anxiety - but I've come to realize that my addictions ran far deeper than nicotine. The Web had its hooks in me long before I stepped through the doors of the Institute. And they've helped me along as the Archivist, Annabelle said as much when I read her statement. They've provided information, artifacts, and subtle nudges towards the world's undoing and now they're working towards something else...or what was always the original plan."

"And you're okay with this?" Martin asked.

"Well I'm not thrilled with it," Jon said, "but trying to understand the Web has gotten me nowhere in the grand scheme. They seem to get what they want, regardless of what it means for **my** purposes."

"Then how can you trust that anything you do or think is of your own volition?" Martin asked.

Jon shrugged. "Because it's the only option I have. Thank you, by the way."

"Oh, um, for what?" Martin asked.

"For slapping me."

Martin snorted. "That's not something I'd ever expect to be thanked for."

"If you hadn't I don't know when I would've stopped," Jon said. The half-smile that had been on his lips flattened into a tight grimace. "I don't know **if** I would've stopped."

"Jon..." Martin started. Jon looked away, shame rippling off his body.

"The same goes for the Desolation's domain," Jon continued. "Some of these sessions, the cycle of them is so..."

"Intoxicating?" Martin said. Jon nodded, rubbing at his arm absently. Martin took his hand, the burnt one, and gave a tight squeeze. He knew it still ached. The tremors were less obvious, but still there if you knew when to look. Jon wasn't that good at hiding it. "I didn't realize..."

"Most of them haven't been like that, but the ones that are...it's harder to pull away," Jon explained. "It feels like when I started consciously feeding on people. The need was so strong, so powerful. Resisting was painful, like my skin was splitting every second I wasn't feeding. It was - it was easier to give in...and then I didn't want to stop."

"Until I--"

"Until **you** , Martin. You keep saving me from myself," Jon said. "That's why I don't bother trying to figure out the Web's plan. It isn't for me to know, but I trust that you'll be there to keep me from slipping too far away." The grimace disappeared, though the smile was hesitant to takes its place. They started walking again, their pace slower now that plenty of distance separated them from the theater.

"I wish...I wish I could do the same for you. Give you something concrete to believe in. Something to trust explicitly," Jon said, quietly.

They walked in silence for a while before Martin finally spoke. "You do, though."

"What?"

"You're respecting the boundaries I set. I asked you to stop Knowing things about me and you did," Martin said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "You let me decide whether I wanted to escape into the Lonely again. And you offered to Look into my mind, but...I said no and that was the end of it."

Jon stopped walking, tugging Martin to a stop. That familiar shame returned. "But I wanted to. I wanted to Know, Martin."

"But you didn't," Martin responded.

"But - but I wanted to!" Jon exclaimed. "Every moment we're not traversing another hellscape all I'm thinking about is Knowing you. It-it's no different. Just another addiction I'm fighting. I don't...I don't think that's something you can trust."

Martin raised Jon's hands to his lips, putting all of the love and adoration he could into a short display of affection.

"Jon, you just described being in a relationship," Martin said. "Why wouldn't I trust in that? Trust in us?"

"Oh, I..." Jon started. His demeanor changed from ashamed to shy almost instantly. "I don't - don't think we should entirely rule out the addiction thing, but - but..."

"It's okay, Jon," Martin said, cupping Jon's cheek lovingly. " **We're** okay."

"Yeah," Jon sighed. "Yeah, we are."

"So let's, ya know, off to the next nightmare," Martin said. "Maybe the next one will be easier."

"In what way?" Jon asked as they resumed walking.

"I don't know...maybe a troll or a witch. What about a real vampire? Haven't faced one of those yet."

"I did."

"What?! When?"

"America."

Martin scoffed. "Of course in America. Did you meet the mothman while you were there as well? Jersey Devil? Bigfoot?"

"Is this some unmentioned cryptid fascination?" Jon asked, amused.

"I figured if there was one person who could verify their existence..." Martin said, looking at Jon expectantly.

Jon sighed. "Fine. Until we get to the next domain...fire away."


End file.
